Funny Stories

Shop by Brand
You've Selected:

Have a humorous or interesting coffee or tea story you'd like to share with us? Well, send it along.

Simply email your coffee or tea story and we will publish it right here along with your name as contributor.

Reguluh Coffee Please Submitted by: Cassandra, New York

In New York City, it is customary to order your coffee Black, Light, Extra-Light, or Black-and-Sweet. However, coffee with milk and sugar is a "Regular Coffee."

After living in New York City for several years, I visited a town out west and ordered "regular coffee". They handed me, of course, black coffee. I forgot – outside of NYC, there is no such concept as "regular coffee."

Kind of like egg-creams (known elsewhere as "Italian Sodas" with soda water instead of seltzer!). I still don't know how coffee with milk and sugar became known as "regular coffee" except that maybe "that's how REGULUH GUYS drink it."

How To Get Out of KP (Kitchen Patrol) Submitted by: Cheryl Schwartz

My dad told me a story about how, during World War II, he was assigned to "Kitchen Patrol" (KP). One particular day, his job to fill the coffee carafes and set them on each table. He saw these large vats and filled all of the carafes.

Within minutes of setting the carafes on the table, my dad heard a lot of screaming and saw men spitting all around him. An instant later, the cook ran out of the kitchen yelling, "Who drained the beets? My damn beets are burning."

With that, my Dad realized what he'd done. He had filled the carafes with beet water and not coffee! After the men got their "real" coffee, all was well in the mess hall. Needless to say, they never again asked Dad to fill coffee carafes. I suppose that's one way to get out of KP duty...

Toffee, Clea, or Me? Submitted by: Ruth Scheidler, Michigan

Years ago, as a young new teacher, I helped at parents' night by filling and pouring coffee and tea from two large silver (fancy ones – that's probably why I got in trouble) tea pots.

Unfortunately, it was a boring task, which is always my excuse to think about something else, and I totally lost track of which pot was which. I topped both pots off before realizing that I had created two pots, both with a mix of coffee AND tea.

Since school coffee is NOTORIOUSLY bad, it didn't seem that big a deal, so I asked people if they wanted "Toffee" or "Clea" just because it was fun to watch the look on their faces (remember I was bored).

But the joke was on me. They obediently got their cups filled, walked off drinking and eating the equally bad cookies, and never knew the difference. Maybe it improved the sorry lot!

Even a Bunn Takes a Vacation Now and Then Submitted by: Fred Jackson

I thought I lost my Bunn! Was I ever distraught. I tried everything: a different outlet, the circuit breakers. Yet nothing would bring my Bunn back to life. Oh no! I had to drink INSTANT COFFEE!!!

Then, as though inspired from above, yes, could it be? Ah ha! Someone had accidentally tripped the vacation switch to OFF!! (I'll deal with them later). My Bunn was okay! O happy day!

Just thought I'd share how much my Bunn home coffee maker means to me.

Varooooooom Cream Please Submitted by: Sandra Lee Stewart, Texas

My husband, who is not familiar with the standard lingo of American coffee houses, did not know that when ordering a coffee drink you need to tell them "with room for cream". That way they don't fill your cup up too high and you can still fit your cream into your cup.

So, I send him off and tell him to order an Americano "with room for cream". Well, he didn't hear me too clearly and walked up to the corner coffee house and said, "I would like an Americano with varoom cream."

Needless to say the order taker had no idea what he was referring to.

Pour-o-Matics, Housekeepers & Land-o-Fills Submitted by: Jeffrey L. Gill

I live in the Smoky Mountains of North Carolina and had just returned from a delightful holiday trip to see my kids in Florida. But not one decent cup of coffee during the whole trip.

I was craving my Bunn Pour-o-Matic and a fresh pot of freshly ground Colombian coffee. But, as I was soon to find out, it was not to be!

Evidently the "shower head" (spray head) attachment to my trusty brewing buddy had chosen that moment to detach itself from the unit – into two pieces. Thing is, water pours much more rapidly into the brew basket without the screw-on spray head.

Well, after cleaning up a countertop full of hot water and coffee grinds, I tried to re-attach said head. No! "No coffee for you". So, I raced to the closest discount store – the only one around for 30 miles in these parts – and forced myself to purchase a Mr. (gag) Coffee unit for lack of any Bunn product.

Now I have had a great relationship with Bunn, and knew that with a couple of phone calls or a quick note on the Internet I'd be able to get a replacement spray head. But no such luck this time around. I couldn't find a parts place anywhere.

So there I sat, drinking this watery beige looking swill that calls itself coffee but isn't suited to stain the seats of my truck. I wanted my Bunn back!

But, in the meantime, a young lady who helps out around here had taken my Pour-o-Matic to the local Land-o-Fill thinking that it had burned out or had lost it's will to brew. Gads! I raced to the dump to stop it all. But by the time I got there, I only had time to see my trusty coffee crony get crushed by a giant mound of car parts!

Yes, my trusty Bunn companion had perished beneath a mountain of metal. Gaaaaaahhhh! I screamed not being able to even kiss my sweet Bunn "bye-bye". Weak java and tepid tea is my fate! Curse the housekeeper…(fade to black).

Anyone out there want to send me a new one? Let me know the replacement charge or shipping amount. I know these are not covered by any kind of coffee insurance but one thing is for sure – I really liked that coffee maker.

Ladies, He Might be a Mick, but . . . Submitted by: Gurm Blansten

About 6 years ago when I was an apprentice roaster, a little Italian woman came into the shop I was running.

Her first question: "What's your nationality?"

"Irish" I quickly responded.

"Your a Mick. Shouldn't you be in a bar selling beer?"

I laughed it off and explained that I had been a barista for 4 years.

She then said, "I don't know what THAT is but I do know coffee seeing as I AM from little Italy."

So, in my best Italian accent, I asked "Where is the coffee capital of the world?"

"Italy, of course" was her fast retort.

"Sorry, try Seattle" I regretfully informed her. She just gave me a dirty look.

"Who invented the espresso machine?" I asked. The game was on!

Once again, she answered "Italy!"

"Hmmm, sorry, try the French!"

This little trivia game went on for another few minutes. After enjoying her espresso, she left the shop to go about her daily business.

Don't get me wrong. I do understand the customer is always right. But remember, this biz is about educating the customer also.

Well I didn't think I would ever see this lady again, but wouldn't you know it. In she walks at the same time the very next day – accompanied by three other Italian lady friends.

This time, before I could even greet them, the first thing out of her mouth was, "Don't worry ladies. He might be a Mick, but he sure knows his coffee!"

Gimme a Double Shot of "Espresso Love" Submitted by: Sara Van Ee

This past summer I worked at Esquires Coffee House in Surrey, B.C. (Canada). It was a place with a really cool atmosphere so guys would always be bringing their girlfriends by for coffee.

One night, a young teenage couple came in and I went to take their order. The girl ordered a mocha and, after squinting at the menu for quite some time, the boy ordered a double shot of espresso.

"Pure espresso?" I asked, just to clarify. He nodded, trying to be all suave and impress the girl he was with.

"I get it all the time." He flashed a smile.

"Okay..." I said and made their drinks.

Bringing the drinks over to them was the funniest thing because I served the girl a huge bowl-mug topped with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles and the boy received a tiny 1" diameter cup filled with a drink that he had obviously never had.

I couldn't hide my smile as I placed the cups respectively in their places. The boy's eyes widened in fear of the little cup that had been placed before him as the girl slowly sipped her familiar drink and snickered at him.

"Go ahead- tell me how it is," I spoke up. He looked at me and smiled, still trying to look as if he drank a few every day. He tipped the cup up to his lips and took a tiny sip. He immediatley spit it out right back into the cup as his face started to make weird, disgusted expressions.

"Actually, I'll have what she's having.... this espresso is stronger than I'm used to" he then told me.

I raised my eyebrow at him and took the little cup from the table. "Sure," was all I had to say as I walked away quickly to conceal my big smile. :)

Drinking Coffee Since Age 2 & Believe It! Submitted by: Ann Marshall

I have only my mother's recollections to pass on and she recently passed away at the age of 92. According to her memories, we (my parents, my brother and I) were living in an old home which had been converted into apartments. It was in 1946-47.

Miss Sally, an older lady, lived a couple of houses down from us and thought I was adorable with my blond curls a la Shirley Temple. My mother would visit her and Miss Sally would sit me on her lap and give me teaspoons of her coffee, heavily sugared and creamed. Evidently, I liked it and continued to like it right through elementary school, high school, college and grad school.

I'm married and have seven children. I wish that I could say they all are coffee drinkers and make this story turn out right, but only 4 of them are. Of course, that is a majority and, when we all gather for the holidays, majority rules.

Sally, the Chihuahua Caffeine Addict Submitted by: Ed Bradshaw

Yap, yap, yap: "I want my coffee now!" And as we all anxiously awaited, still wakening from the night's sleep, my Aunt Merle went through the steps to brew us all that first pot of morning coffee. Sally continued to mutter in a low growl – "C'mon, is it coffee yet?"

Yes, Sally was hooked on caffeine. A true caffeine addict. Never mind she was a dog. A pint-sized, blonde Chihuahua at that. Sally was a member of the family. And she drank her coffee just like everybody else – at the kitchen table. Her hind legs carefully perched on Aunt Merle's lap, with her front paws straddling either side of her cafeteria style coffee cup that rested near the table's edge.

Yes, cream and sugar was the order of the morning coffee ritual. Sally never drank it black - ever. Two cups was the usual, then it was off to the races. Whoever was ready to play: fetch, tug-of-war with the towel...well, you get the idea. Then, the same scenario unfolded after her afternoon nap, and yet another cup of coffee.

Sally's daily coffee ritual continued until she was well past the age of 15 (how many Lorne Greene years is that, anyway?). Of course her age eventually reduced both the duration and intensity of her gleeful, high spirited, caffeine-induced playfulness. Sally eventually left us many years ago between her morning and afternoon coffee.

Aunt Merle always said it was the coffee that helped Sally reach those older, golden years. I can't help but think my Aunt Merle was right. This past Valentine's Day, her birthday, Aunt Merle reached the golden age of 99. She still drinks her coffee everyday, too. In the morning, and in the afternoon.

Hurry up! Turn on the switch, pour in the water, and let's make some coffee. I have a little catching up to do with my Aunt Merle – and Sally.

Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to Caffeine From The Late Show with David Letterman

10.  Haven't slept since the Johnson Administration.

9.  Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth.

8.  Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on No-Doz.

7.  You named your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso."

6.  On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't even have your car.

5.  You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee with Folgers Crystals.

4.  You wake up in middle of night screaming "Pepsi! For the love of God, I need Pepsi!"

3.  When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen.

2.  You drink so much coffee it starts shooting out your ears like our stage manager Biff Henderson (videotape of Henderson spitting coffee out of ears).

1.  You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night.

Too Much Coffee, Man – Top 16 Proof-Positive Signs

16.  You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

15.  You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

14.  When someone asks, "How are you?" you say, "Good to the last drop."

13.  People can test their batteries in your ears.

12.  People get dizzy just watching you.

11.  All your kids are named Joe.

10.  You can type sixty words a minute . . . with your feet.

9.  Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

8.  You lick your coffee pot clean.

7.  The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.

6.  You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

5.  You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

4.  You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

3.  You sleep with your eyes open.

2.  You answer the door before people knock.

1.  Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

Join the Free Coffee Wholesale USA Newsletter and receive exclusive discounts, new product information, and more!
Join Now